I don’t know what was going around in my head. I was taking shower when it all began. Something inside guided me to just go and admit it. A strange sense of confusion surrounded me. What would happen? Worst case, I am rejected and I would live next to the rejector for another month. Considering that, it was all coming to an end in a month, my gut ordered me to just go tell her and stop being a jerk.
I liked this girl. Reasons unknown (I don’t know reasons to anything I do. Usually I go by the gut). She usually came over to talk to me. I was having a hard time figuring out if she was pulling me, or it was her default way to behave. Whatever it was, it was hacking me and this girl was already in my head. The unsolved puzzle was if she was already with someone. I had set up a gang of agents to get that information out and as per the research that went around her, 99.99% she was single. That was the,”Maan mai ladoo phoota” moment.
I was talking to myself in the shower. A part of me warned me,”You were wrong before. Beware what you are stepping into. Another lesson awaits, may be?“. I could hear the water gush out of the shower. The mental chatter had stopped. I looked at the wall in front. “It’s ok! It’s ok! .. “, I repeated. “Because a person betrayed me doesn’t mean everyone is that way. The world is full of good people. One lakhs the courage to look for the good“, the voice in my head continued (Besides, I never understood why I was punished for being good). Another part of brain suggested, “It might turn against you“. “It’s ok! Everything turns against me anyways. I’ve survived until now. I shall be fine“. Devil’s advocate questioned, “Are you sure?“. “Yes!..“, I replied wrapping the towel around and started to walk out of shower towards my room. Unlocked, took the phone and messaged while the water droplets from my hair dropped and slid on the screen. I messaged her:
“I need to tell you something.”
“Ya! tell me.”
“Not this way. Can i meet you?”
… What happened?”
“I’ll come to your hostel block.
“I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”
I could tell I had scared her already and my odds were slim to none. This women was known for her open mindedness and also the strict control plus being super choosy. I did what guys can do best. Get ready real fast. This by the way is one of the secrets why Superheroes always arrive at the crime scene in time! Spider-man, Batman, Superman, you name it. They change their avatar so fast! In any case, I began to do everything fast. I was to go to the lab and try studying for the most deadly subject, Digital Signal Processing. Deadly because you need to be able to focus and think and for quite sometime now my brain could do anything but focus.
I walked up to the mess to have my dinner. Meanwhile, i was thinking on how was I going to tell her that I had started to like her. It’s one thing to propose a girl in your head. You can have multiple takes. But this was real. Images of me being rejected flashed before my eyes. I started to stuff the poories in my mouth. Soon my heart began to race. I paused for a moment and told myself to calm down. “Worst case she rejects you. Relax“, I repeated to myself. I couldn’t control myself. I disposed my plate sacrificing my dinner for the day. Looking back, I guess that was an anxiety attack or panic attack.
Few minutes later I was outside her hostel block. On the way I had messaged another friend of mine in the same block. My agent. That I was going to execute the do or die plan. She came up to her 3rd floor window and wished me luck. Something which I really needed. In a while my girl (the tag I used in my head) walked out. She was in her casual avatar. I avoided looking at her straight considering the possibility that I could be hacked by the visuals. I wanted my gut to be in place until I had vomited my feelings.
“Hi“, I gestured. She replied back with “What happened” type of gesture, came and stood in front of me. “Are you ok?“, I asked trying make sure I don’t get rejected because of a bad mood. “Ya. I am all fine. Say what happened?“, she looked at me all puzzled. I summoned my courage and said, “I think I have started to like you!“. “What? Come again“, she asked me to repeat as if she heard nothing (Meanwhile in my head I felt so damn stupid, “Oh! Crap! Crap! Crap! She just grounded it. Dude! Disappear. Do not repeat. Mission abort. Abort. Run away…“). “I said, I think I have started to like you!“, I repeated (after which I felt more stupid). She was calm, silence surrounded (Meanwhile in my head,”See, she’s doing it. She’s politely grounding your attempt. Besides you ass which girl says a flat YES to a guy she has known for just a couple of months? Congo! boy, you booked yourself a rejection…. now what?“). “It’s Ok! It happens. Hota hai… We feel sometimes because we are around a person for too long we like them. It’s truly ok.“, She began to feed me the honeyed poison (meanwhile I was looking at her lips that were speaking, she was talking with animated gestures and in my head I was like, “Oh my god! This is going totally the opposite way. Is she rejecting me?. Girl! What are you trying to say. I am attracted to you? No damn it I love you. I don’t know why. I just wanted to grab her.“). Few minutes into the trauma and my brain shut down the audio. I could only see her blabber something. My brain was doing anti-damage control. Measures to avoid further rupture of self esteem. I mean what do you do after you are almost very neatly rejected and then you have to stand there because the person is not being rude to you?
Then, I have no clue what happened I began to look at her and smile. She was puzzled. Then I started to laugh. “What happened?“, she asked. “Nothing!“, I said and continued to laugh. To be frank I was laughing at the stunt I had just executed. Truth be told I never wanted to be on any girl’s rejection list. Ya sure, I was betrayed (the way I understand it) a few months back. I was just laughing at how dumb, retarded I had become. I began to bang my fist on my forehead and repeat, “Crap! Crap! Crap!” and meanwhile laughing. While she was puzzled looking at what was happening and why I was behaving like a psycho, I continued to turn around look at the sky, look at the New ladies block, her feet (which by the way were cute. I don’t know why they attracted me. They just did.)… I could hear her in the background, “Piyush! it’s ok! Good you told me…“. I paused and looked at her and smiled.”What… What are you thinking?“, I darted another stupid question to my rejector. “Nothing! My brain is all blank. I am not thinking anything“, she continued to ground my questions. By this time I had totally surrendered. I was giving her more and more ways to trash my manhood. And in between all this she added, “I am certainly not the only one you proposed…“. I began to feel even more horrible. I wished a truck ran over me. She was very politely telling me how I appeared to people around. I was a extrovert sure. But I am not a player. I am not the guy who runs around proposing girls. I don’t float. “No! No!… NONONONo…“, I repeated and meanwhile laughing even more. “Ya! Go on, explain her…. she’ll understand“, my brain mocked me while she had an expression that even I can’t express. It was one of those situations where the more you try to correct the more screwed up it gets. Everything was out of hand. This women was free to think all that she wanted about me and I couldn’t prove a thing.
By now, reality was totally messed up and then out of no where I blurted out, “So which number am I?“. “What? What number?“, She asked. More puzzled. “What’s my number in the list of proposals?“, before I could even complete she replied, “I don’t remember the head count!“. I was talking in my head all the time, “Wow! No head count. Piyush! dude you are one of those now. In the sea of nobodies. Besides is she trying to say she doesn’t care or is she trying to say you just don’t fit in? or is she asking you to fuck off?“. I was not understanding what I was doing, she was not understanding what I was doing and possibly those who walked around were also not understanding why I was doing what I was doing.
She was repeatedly trying to understand what was I doing. Must have been so awkward for her. I told,”I have no clue. Why I came over and did all this. It’s become so funny.” I guess among two of us I was the only one who felt things were funny. I was the ass after all. She tried consoling, which was even more funny. “Are you fine?“, She repeatedly asked. “Ya! Ya! absolutely“, I acknowledged. “Why are you laughing then?“
“Ahh… Just like that. A girl just grounded my proposal. Why did I come over in the first place? It’s so stupid. What am I supposed to do? Ask you reasons for rejection?“, I continued to joke and laugh. “I need to leave now. Need to study for tomorrow“, I tried to make way out of the awkward situation. “Oh! Sure… But you sure you are ok!“, she asked.
“Ya!…. I am fine! I’ll be ok. I behave this way it’s usual… I’ll leave“, I gave her a bro-fist and turned around to walk towards the lab. I smiled and left, she didn’t seem to notice that. I walked looking at the pavement I was walking on, with my hands in my pocket. Then looked up into the sky, still laughing and recalled to myself, “Crap! she just grounded it so neatly. 30 days and I am out of this place…“.
Few seconds later the smile disappeared. It hurt a bit but I began to laugh on myself, took out my phone to call my 3rd floor agent…