I find myself unable to deal with a problem that has a long term solutions. Lately I am going through a phase where I do know things in long term will be fine but the level of pain and agony it causes is huge. It’s a pain on daily basis. Everyday, morning to night and even at times in my dream I am trying to compute my next actions on how to make things happen. I can’t hope for any support from just about anyone. The worlds with you when you are happy and you are on your own when in problem.

Truth be told, I hate taking long term responsibilities. I run away from situations like that, why? I know if I signup for it I would be thinking and planning about it all the time, every waking moment until I am doing with execution and getting the results originally planned. If I am on something, I am totally into it!

Short term goal and planning is a bliss on other side, if something is so clear to me that I exactly know the sequence of actions that need to happen for me to achieve the goal, I act with speed and immense agility. I jump on the problem, take control and execute it at the max speed possible. This is deliberate and important. If I do it slowly the time it would take increases and that opens room for life’s randomness to kick in. And a good thing to do is to act very very fast and cease the opportunity before anything goes bad. But me being clear about something seldom happen and it’s not always that I am seen acting super fast and with pin-point precision. I am a sloth who is right now focused on learning ways to pick up important data in any situation, Fast! I think it should improve my reaction time in long run.

I am quite aware that on cannot do away with long term responsibilities. And this in particular is very discouraging and demotivating. You have to be responsible for something you can’t fully control and understand, and yes! You will get whipped if things go wrong. This for materialistic goals is still alright. But for emotional intentions, very bad.

Responsibilities with Emotional Mix

I am fundamentally an emotional person. I value people and to the best of my capabilities I intently listen to what they have to say. Why? Because I feel fear and insecurity very very deeply and my usual guess is that others feel this too (I like to think others are like me, because living with total strangers is also a nightmare one has to deal with)! But I don’t think people are used to someone really caring about what they feel and have to say, and so I often feel mentally abused. Imagine someone wanting to know how you truly feel; what you do in return is shower him with confusing data and mentally fog him enough to be left incapacitated. You end up abusing his willingness (a rare thing in today’s world) and by doing so you have acted irresponsibly (this is what no one accepts!). Why beat down the person who cares? I have seen this happen with me as well. Being aware of someone being good to you is a different problem altogether, I end up trying to reduce their efforts to help me and sometimes I confuse the situation more. I think I’ll learn how to handle this over time. The top priority is to respect the efforts people take to help me. Would want to honor the effort and time.

Trying to reach a common goal while simultaneously respecting and honoring the emotional self of other blows my mind. The brain sooner or later becomes a pop-corn. I feel drained of energy and motivation to continue. No matter what you do there is always something you failed to account for and created a much bigger emotional blocker. What is worst is only the worst gets seen. The emotional situations you handled well are not even noticed, because nothing bad happened as a result and so no one paused to make a note and appreciate. On the other hand if something goes wrong and you fail to choose the right word for some reason or the other, hell breaks loose, people note it down and is registered as a failure on your part. See the problem? Success is not appreciated and failure has heavy penalty (your self-esteem). I think most mothers go through this! They do everything possible for well being of the family and then get yelled at if something very trivial is missed. May be Dads also suffer this way and die early!

Well, taking up responsibilities with truck load of emotional conditions on top of it is a very very tough task. And while I am trying to learn how this may be done by safeguarding my emotional self, I have huge respect for people who are already doing it.

Happiness and Fun

Quite frankly I’ve given up on these. I don’t chase or plan to be happy. If a moment comes up when I am having fun and being happy I savor it. And that’s also the end of it. I don’t make plans which can make me happy. It makes no sense to me. No matter what you do, the happiness will come back and bite you! Always! By the way, I am not saying one should not be happy or that he/she should not have fun. One should in fact! What I am trying to say is the idea of chasing is doesn’t make much sense.

Consider this, if you are self-centric there is 50% chance you’ll be Happy or Sad. 50-50! Consider, your happiness being linked to someone else being happy.  Now the chance that you are happy is 25%. Add yet another person to the list and your chances of being happy go down to 12.5%! I am not kidding, work the probabilities out and you’ll see probability of you being happy decrease exponentially……

I need to leave this note unfinished, something else needs my time now!