I am always in such a mad mode of operation that I tend to miss-out on the fun of life. Am I a depressed dude? Not really, I am just going through a phase where my brain keeps contemplating on how things might unfold and what are the various good ways to deal with general problems of life. I wish to take responsibility and move forward considering everyone else in the family. I should also mention that learning to do this is a tiring process and all too often drives me crazy. And in between all this craze I have found some time today to sit and write a note on a well spent day.
I have a friend and I enjoy her company. The problem is she has her daily job in other city and so we rarely get to meet each other. A couple of days ago she was in town. We both were craving to meet each other. It was a Sunday and we had to take a public exam (the background to this is, we both had signed up a couple months back to attempt this national level exam). This exam was the official reason for her to be in town. So the deal was, we would take the exam and meet each other over lunch and decide what to do with rest of the day.
Once we were done with the exam (12pm) we exchanged locations and decided that I would be driving to her location. I wanted to see her ASAP and if you have not already guessed, this is where things got super twisted and messed up. By the way Bangalore traffic is crazy. Nothing moves! Anyways, I took my Car out and punched in her GPS coordinates into the vehicle’s Navigation System. It was all set and I was driving happily. She was a mere two odd kilometers away. While I was under a flyover the Navigation went on a toss. From this point on things got very overwhelming. The constant horns from vehicle behind and the anxiety to act fast made me move onto a road which was, number one – dead opposite to the direction I had to actually go and number two – It was a one way drive lane, which ment I had to drive another 2km full circle before I was back on the right road. Meanwhile, She was walking towards my location and so sending me new location coordinates. Then in between we were calling each other to update about our respective situations.
You see the mess in situation? I was driving, frustrated that I should not miss out on the next turn (which by the way I missed) that hopefully joined back to my original path, I was taking her calls which ment I was not able to see the google maps navigation (I had abandoned the car navigation after it ditched me under the flyover) which added to the fact that I was driving point-blank which way to go. And above everything else the phone was not hooked to the car’s bluetooth which made me talk to her over the speaker phone. And talking over speaker phone is shitty and messy, given the fact that it distorts the voice, the volume is too low, you have to scream and talk. Not to forget when you do all of this you rob the person on other end of call off their mental peace. That is what exactly happened next, in few seconds I was cursing life and she was angry and frustrated too! We both were hungry and so that just added to worsening the situation further. I am not sure, but the universe always seems to find a way to fuck up a good intention. There are always problems lurking around.
May be because we both love each other’s company we decided to calm down and help each other in the situation. She further added that she is standing at a particular point and won’t move (one reduced variable in the problem). In next 20 mins (I was in traffic for almost 30 mins already) I saw her standing in the Sun. I looked at her and smiled (micro smile, didn’t last very long and by the time she saw me it was already gone). She had a dull and exhausted face and I had a frown on my face too. In situations like this, the movie equivalent is that both the Guy and the Girl hug each other tight and may be have relief. In reality what happened was, she opened the door and got in. After a brief micro silence, we looked at each other and both began:
Her (frustrated and mildly yelling): You know how long I have been standing in the sun…….. For almost an Hour now!
Me (parallelly): This traffic is a bitch, I missed one right turn and had to travel around the world to get here!
Her (parallelly continuing): This happens always! I am tired, I am hungry…
Then she calmed down. But meanwhile I was still continuing.
Me: This city is fucking crazy. Nothing moves here. Everywhere there is one way, I miss a turn… just one single turn and there is no way to get back on the same road soon. I am exhausted with this kind of living.
After a few more seconds of random noise generation we both calmed down. I passed her a bottle of water considering the fact that she was standing in the blazing sun. Turned the AC on and looking out I said, “Missed you so much. I miss you so much every time, everyday. You have gone so far, I can’t stop you (my heart ached). But this is painful. Makes me so mad”. By this time I was looking down at the floor and wondering what kind of punishment was this. She slid her hand over mine and said, “I love you so much…”. The world around me muted. “I know”, I said. We both understand this really well. We like each other for what we are, no modifications needed! And the usual fight between us is because of the external circumstances like me not reaching on time, me not knowing the roads, unexpected rainfall etc. We decided to wait in Car until we figured where we were to have lunch. I hope you get the idea, in spite the fact everything was full of anxiety and irritation I was internally in peace. I was with her and that was calming my soul. It was enough to be with her!
Further on we decided we should head to a restro nearby and have lunch there. We drove slowly and parked near the restro, under a tree. I was still crying about the way life is, how much I am in pain, this and that, yack-yack… This is like a disease I have. It is very easy for me to get an anxiety attack and it takes a while for me to get back to normal. While I am in the anxiety, I do all damage to my mental health. This is not something I am proud of and would want to work on. But anyways, she leaned over from over her seat and gave me a warm hug. Few seconds passed and I reminded her of Lunch. As we got out, I showed her the dent in my car that was a result of a previous anxiety attack I had while parking the Car. Strange as it may seem but I bumped the Car while I was parking, no one was around and I still bumped it. That gives you a sense of what kind of a dope I am.
While we loaded our plates and started to have lunch, she began telling me about her life in new city. Whom she lived with, about her manager etc. I liked it all. I was happy she was liking what she was doing. All too often we get caught in wrong job and it’s hard to find a way back home, balancing everything else in life. There where a few kids (3-5 years of age) around and we adored them together. The way they dug into their plates, ate the desert and made a mess, dripping ice-cream, climbing up here and there to what not. It was fun. I need to mention that this lady has an amazing level of emotional IQ, she somehow knows how to ground my irritation. She normalized me and made me feel better. When I try to recollect, I realize that there was never a moment when I did that for her. Cheered her up or anything that could make her feel good. Of what I remember, I often chose to shy away from the situation. Like, Always!
We were done with the lunch and decided to plan what next to be done. I couldn’t figure out anything (like always) so we just kept on moving. I asked her if it was ok to go out of the city. She liked the idea and we headed to Airport. For the next one hour, we were on the move. Slow and steady. Good music was playing in the background. Romantic most of it and that I guess helped in soothing both of us. We told each other over and over again how much we missed each other. While we were close to the Airport, I pulled over to the left and parked the Car. We just stayed there and talked. Random things. Just enjoying each other’s company.
We couldn’t be there for too long. Some idiot parked his vehicle behind us and the light that reflected from his front bumper, then got reflected from the rearview mirror and blinded me! It was time to move. Then I decided to drive to a nearby village. I didn’t tell her that so I guess she was under assumption that we were going to the Airport. I guess it came as a pleasent surprise to her that I had a location in mind. Like I mentioned earlier, I am a dope when it comes to hospitality. While on our way to the village, we found ourselves on a road that was hugged by trees. It was very calming. So we again pulled over and parked. Spent a while taking random pictures. Really enjoyed that, and I could tell she liked it too. An hour went by and we decided to head back so that I could drop her before sunset. She wanted us to click more pictures together, but me being a dope couldn’t understand the hints. I get that now and feel sad about it. May be next time we go I shall make sure we click more pictures.
Heading back home we stopped by to have Coffee, relaxed a while and began the journey back. She asked me, “I trust you so much. Don’t leave me.”. I nodded and said, “I am kind of sure I won’t leave. You don’t leave me please. It kind of hurts!”. Further more we talked over her doing PhD etc, while the idea of her spreading her wings is great I could already feel the level of loneliness it might bring to me. May be reality might turn out in a very different way. But still the thought of her being so far away made me feel sad about myself. I can’t stop her though. May be the best way to love someone is to support them and I shall do that.
We got back into the city and dropped her close to her home (at a point where I could get the Car out easily). She gave a me a warm hug and I headed back home. I felt good. We talked a lot and above all I was in the moment, every second. Then reality dawned on me, she was to leave soon and there are other challenges before we can decide to get together and the mitigation plan for that is not in place yet. It bothers me. In any case, the day went well. May be because I was with the girl I love.
I would love to spend the reminder of my life driving her to random places, having an adventure together. And whatever happens I would always want her to win.